Working in a gas station has made me realize one truth about humans, they are gross. In the past few months I have seen and smelled things that have made me puke on first whiff. Children make similar messes.Children commonly poop their pants, smear bodily fluids all over things, and take bites out of food and put the remainder of the uneaten food back in the box where the food was found. Children do these things because that is what they do, adults commit these sort of acts because they are gross…and rude…and I’m guessing pretty bored. Unless an adult has IBS or another gastrointestinal disorder I don’t understand the need to crap all over a public restroom. Not once in my life have I gotten the urge to soil my pants, find the closest gas station with a bathroom, remove my soiled pants and underwear in the bathroom trashcan, and smear and track feces around said gas station. I have also never found it a pleasant experience to take a poop in a clogged gas station toilet that has already been clogged to the brim with another individuals butt bombs.

I became Kevin Smith’s Shit Demon

If you have seen the film Dogma you are familiar with Kevin Smith’s classic one of a kind character the shit monster. If not let me give you a quick run down. The character Golgothan or “Shit Demon” is a creature created from all the shit from the individuals crucified at Golgotha. golgothan Ain’t he cute.

Now that you have a visual. A few individuals during an incredibly busy shift decided to pull one of the above disgusting acts. I don’t know what else to call it other than a toilet Slurpee, just crap on crap on crap till it came to the top. My initial reaction was to try to plunge it which I realized a previous individual had attempted because the plunger was covered in TP. I ignored the previous plungers message and dove into the water with plunger and to my disappointment the shit water in the toilet overflowed onto my shoes and all over the floor. After the initial panic attack that my feet and shoes were covered in shit water I gathered myself and again tried to plunge the shit away which only added to the brown muss that was covering the floor. The added surprise to the second plunge was the massive hunks of shit that this time covered the floor. The corn kernels gave me good indication that I was in for a fearful fight. I’m assuming their Christmas dinners were filling. I realized that plunging was not going to solve my problem at this point and I needed to remove the shit water from the toilet. I found a few giant fountain drink cup that were no longer being used, a bucket, and what I thought might me a drainage snake (it was not and was disgusting to clean after I realized it was not). I called my GM and asked for gloves, she led me to a single black glove that would become my rubber shit fighting saint. I used the cups and bucket and scooped the water from the toilet. At first I thought it wise to take the bucket outside to toss it on the lawn. This proved to be more embarrassing than helpful. I know quite a few customers got a laugh as I ran by with a shit water bucket muttering “UH MY GAWD UH MAH GAWD EEEEW EEEW”. I got wise and began dumping shit water down the bathroom floor drain. Three rounds of the toilet refilling with brown water and flowing over onto what I have now dubbed my “shit shoes” I finally heard the porcelain beast gurgle a sigh of relief, the toilet water clearing. I then realized that I now had HUGE pieces of full blown human logs…and corn to deal with. I puked into the trash can for a few seconds and did the deed, picking up most of the shit by gloved hand and mopping and wiping up the remaining water and streaked shit that covered the floor. You would think I would quit or at least pitch a bitch but to be honest I feel like a baddass after it. And I realized that Charlie from It’s Always Sunny ain’t got shit on me, pun  waaaay intended.

Kernel of Knowledge from this story: Don’t be so gross when you use a public restroom and if you clog a toilet mention it to someone so the poor gas station attendant doesn’t have to burn their cloths…and hair…and skin when they go home because the were covered in your shit.